Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
