I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
