I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
