I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
