my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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