I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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