I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
