She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
