sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
