I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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