I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
