I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
