I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
