So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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