it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
