Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
