Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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