saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We had sex on a dog bed..
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
