My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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