I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
