Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
