If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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