She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
BRING THE BAGELS
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
