I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
