im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
