I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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