You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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