home. puking in laundry basket.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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