Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
