i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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