i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
