Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
