Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
