Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
