I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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