I think I died a long time ago.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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