Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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