I wish I could punch you in the face.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
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