So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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