Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
