The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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