Apparently you make a good broom.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
