I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
