I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
