i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
