hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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