why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
