I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
