How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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