You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
