Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
