Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
