You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You smell like stripper and shame
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
