Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
