I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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