I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
