is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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